Thursday, August 27, 2009
by
Dylan
I got my blog idea from a link that Truc posted on her blog. They're letters that people write and don't actually send to the person. This is my letter.
I miss you. I'm not even positive that I remember you, but I wish I did. I don't know if you would be proud of me and everything I've done, but I like to think that you still would be. You were the only person that was ever proud of me for anything and I miss that. I miss having someone telling me good job when I do something that's really good. I wrestle and no one says anything sincere. Either "good job" or "you'll get 'em next time". When I've gotten good grades all I heard was "keep it up". So things like that lost their importance for a while. Since you've left I've had to learn to be proud of myself or else no one will. It's hard, but I'm doing it just so that you could be proud of me. I wish that I still felt entirely like a kid. I guess with you gone that left too. I don't have anyone that I feel like I have to answer to now. Who's going to stop me from skipping school? No one. Who's going to stop me from being out until 5 AM? No one. Who's going to tell me to be responsible and make right choices? Again, no one. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if you were still here. Would I have the same friends, would I be happier, would I be a better person? I don't know. It's too much of an all affecting thing to know. I know I would be a different person at least. Probably better. Less bitter, and judging. More happy and accepting. But You're gone and I'm changed. You were one of the only people interested in what I thought about things too. I remember talking to you about subjects and even though I was only fifteen, you took my opinion seriously and gave me yours. You can't do that with people my age. You're either with them, or wrong. I'm the same too though. I don't want to end this angry, but I can't help it. Other people get to be respecting and solemn when they think about their lost loved ones. I get to feel mad and unimportant. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel this way, because I don't have anyone to ask. But I do. I'm mad that you left and that you just expected me to pick up the pieces. Even when I didn't matter enough to just stay. I know the other people you left behind expect me to help them out too, but I won't. They're digging their own graves a little deeper everyday and I'm fine watching them do it while I watch out for myself. You cared about them and now I hope you laugh while you see them break and grow into nothing. It's not my fault that I refuse to carry others. It's your fault that you were a coward and watching your loved ones ruin their lives is the punishment you get.
I don't know how else to end this other then I still miss you and love you. I know it's a weird ending from what I just put, but I can't end it all angry.
END
I know that you're thinking "WTF, I thought you were happy?". Haha, I still am. I just got the idea of doing this from that link that Truc had on her blog. I also want to use this as an example. It doesn't matter what's happened in your life, what you've done, or how you think. You can turn it around. Maybe not tomorrow or the day after. Maybe it'll take a month or two. But you can and as long as you're willing to try, you will. Nothing, and I seriously mean nothing, is worth putting your life on hold. I am the poster child for going through ridiculous amounts of shit. But I'm being completely honest when I say that I still feel good. If you read this whole thing and didn't understand anything, I still want you to come away with one thing. No matter how bad you feel now, just know that you'll feel better again. As long as you're willing to.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
by
Dylan
Well I'm three days into my senior year. To tell the truth, they've been a pretty good three days. I have people in all my classes and so far I think I'm getting the hang of how the classes are going to be. Also, for the entire year last year, there was at least one group that wasn't a big fan of me. Right now though, a lot of people have talked to me and been nice. It almost feels strange to not have to worry about that sort of thing. Of course though, there are some bad sides. They aren't that bad, but if I didn't talk about the bad things that didn't matter this wouldn't be a blog.
I've already gotten quite a bit of homework assigned. I shouldn't complain, because I expected this. But I will anyway. I think the only days I'm going to be able to really hang out are Fridays and Saturdays. That's alright though. As long as I understand everything and pass all these hard classes, it'll be worth it. Nothing fun happens during the weekday anyway. I don't know that this is really complaining, because none of it is a big deal. At least yet. But there's already a little bit of drama goin' on. There's a possibility that it could escalate, but I doubt it. I expect bigger things to explode later. The last thing I can think of that is awkward for me is girls/homecoming coming up. Before school started I was set on not going to any dances other then senior ball. Now I'm having a lot of fun with people at school though and I want to stay involved with people. I don't know about it though. I wouldn't say I'm awkward, just... not good with things like this. I never take any sort of initiative. I just wait for them to show some sort of interest in me. I guess that's what I'll keep doing, unless I start to feel like I really need to go. For now I feel good about everything and being alone isn't bugging me so much. I would still enjoy it if someone took an interest in me, haha. Not even the art history, ToK, government and psychology homework that I'm about to do are bringing me down.
P.S.
wtf@MyBrotherWearingGymShortsAtTheTemple
Sunday, August 23, 2009
by
Dylan
Well tomorrow school starts. Senior year. The last year. Whatever way you say it, it's the same. I guess it's a little weird. After this I'll actually have to have a life. It's alright though. Right now I have a whole year to look forward to before that. Before I get into the school part, I just want to put a few memorable things from this last summer.
*San Diego vacation
*Playing guitar outside until midnight
*Spending days at a slew of different parks
*Arizona. Only $1.00!
*Open gym
*A million free lunches
*Say Anything's new stuff
*Half Blood Prince
*One of the best warped tours
Those are just a few things that I thought of off the top of my head. Even though there's been a lot of drama, it's still been a pretty good summer. Enough with summer though, school starts tomorrow.
I hope that I can make this one of the best school years, since it is the last of high school. And if there are all these movies just about being in high school, it has to be somewhat important, right? The only thing that is going to be hard is getting good grades and doing all my homework. Not because I can't, but because my classes are all pretty difficult and I don't exactly have the best track record for going to class. I know people talk this way at the beginning of every year, but it feels like I'll do better with that. Hopefully I will. I don't know what else to say about the beginning of the new year other then I'm ready. I'm ready for people to fight, for people to come, for people to go, etc.
I don't know if you noticed or not, but this is my first entry in a while with no complaining at all. This is good.
Have a good day.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
by
Dylan
To jump straight into the blog, the last week or two have been better than the ones before. I don't mean that everything is fine now, it's just better. I'm not complaining though. Any sort of improvement is great. I've been doing more things that I normally don't. Like hanging out with a lot of people. I like it because the conversations we have when we sit around become a lot more varied, engaging and different then I'm used to. I can tell that I'm doing everything a little different even by what music I've been listening to. Yesterday I listened to Circa Survive, and today I'm listening to UnderOath. It's not that I normally don't like those bands. I just haven't listened to them for a while because I haven't been in the mood. Now that I am, it means I'm in a different mood. This is definitely a good thing, because school starts in almost exactly one week. I want to feel good, so that I can do well.
I think another source of this change is me getting a better grip on me. Haha that sounds funny. Before this I constantly either had a girlfriend, was chasing one, or was being chased by one. For this whole summer I've pretty much just been taking a seat in that whole area. It's made me become more aware of how I talk to people, and what I do. I didn't like it, so I didn't feel that great about myself. Now that I've had more time to subconsciously change how I act, I can feel alright about me.
One more thing before I close this. A few entries ago I said I was going to try and write something that I actually liked a lot. I think I did it. It pretty much describes how I've felt for nearly this whole summer. It's like everything I've wrote before, all thrown together. I guess the best way to describe is that if I actually recorded everything, this would be my single.
I’m so sick and tired of my own skin
I need what I want
Give me something I’m comfortable in
All this routine makes me cringe
I’d eat anything that meant
but I’m on a strict diet of thin air
The rain never comes
but the clouds won’t go away
I’m drowning in the vapor
and the frustration of it all
We prefer to wait
we’re never really feeling
I used to pretend
it’s not a big deal at all
I’m a broken puzzle
Nothing fits this piece
Looking back I had it coming
If I loved it, it was going
It’s all on me
I’m finding a new ground
People that are happy
they never look around
I’ve been craning my head for months
and being alive has lost it’s touch
You always make it better
but yesterday you made it
you made everything wrong
No one ever told me
No one had it all along
My clothes are wearing thin
Give me something I’m comfortable in
I’m a broken puzzle
Nothing fits this piece
Looking back I had it coming
If I loved it, it was going
It’s all on me
My seams come undone
Blind, deaf and dumb
Everything’s gone numb
blind, deaf and dumb
I’m a broken puzzle
Nothing fits this piece
Looking back I had it coming
If I loved it, it was going
It’s all on me
Looking back, I had it coming
Saturday, August 15, 2009
by
Dylan
I'm not exactly positive on what's going on right now. By that I mean in my head. By that I mean I don't know what I'm blogging about. I'm kind of thirsty, but I'm going to the mall with Sean later. That means we can stop and get coffee. Yeaaaaah. I haven't had coffee in a while. That's not good.
So yesterday I went to the blue & white game. It was really dumb game wise. They stopped them whenever they got close to the end zone, so there was no score. They didn't have the time on the board. No announcers. It was even just Varsity against JV, so if there was a score we know who would have won. It was just like watching a practice. Other than that though, it was fine. I got to see a lot of people that I haven't for a while. After that though, I'm not quite as excited for school to start. Every time I saw certain people it made my stomach hurt. Not literally. It just didn't feel good. I'm going to have to see them now at least every other day. If not every day in the halls. That's not good. I'm sure that I'll get used to it though. Just the first month or so won't be very fun. I also just don't feel as socially capable with the people there. Last year it felt like I was fine with talking to everyone. Now when I think about talking to people, something tells me that they don't really want to talk to me. I have zero reasoning for this. I probably just have less confidence than I did before. I'm not sure. I hope that the school year isn't like this. I want to be social and fun, and get good grades. I just need the confidence that I had last year, then I bet I could make it a good one.
I don't really know what else to say. I'm sure I'll blog again before school starts to re-evaluate how I feel about the upcoming year. Hopefully it's better. I want to make this year a good one.
Have a good day.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
by
Dylan
I just want to post something that I wrote in order to stay away from the whole "booo, no one likes me!" thing that I've had goin' on. I've actually been sitting on this for a while, trying to decide whether or not I like it. You guys can.
I am (not)
I'm no good at being myself
and I’ve never stuck around for the end
I don’t think I’ve ever been well
Always left playing the no-good friend
Everyone gets stuck doing what’s wrong.
Now watch them bleed with a smile.
patterns that prove we’re being wheeled along.
Don’t wait for me, I’m out of use for a while
I’m not a well thought out, put together man
My words hold like a house made of sand
I’m not forget-me-nots or a heartfelt friend
don’t count a soul, mine’s long dead
It’s never who I am, but who I am not
tried being myself for a while
I never work out the way I plan
If you’d please hold my arm
I swear I’ll be a better man
I’ve never been the best with firsts
I’m sorry, but I don’t think I ever will
I try a lot, to try some more
But this feelings got me beaten down
I’m always stuck on the floor
A magnet to our old fridges door
and it’s all because of you
Well not really but
Maybe you could help me up
It’s never who I am, but who I am not
tried being myself for a while
I never work out the way I plan
If you’d please hold my arm
I swear I’ll be a better man
I’m not what I love
I’m not what I love
Good enough for you
I’m not what I love
It’s never who I am, but who I am not
tried being myself for a while
I never work out the way I plan
If you’d please hold my arm
I swear I’ll be a better man
Monday, August 10, 2009
by
Dylan
I make promises to myself that I won't do or say certain things; making me a better and maybe more morally strong person. I do this in the hopes that these things will improve my life. Or that they will be balanced out by karma, or a deity, or the stars, or something like that and maybe a few good things will be thrown my way. Nothing has happened. I feel the same. I'm not sick, but I'm not well. Blah, blah. The promises are done.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
by
Dylan
I don't feel like doing a long blog right now, but this could end up being long. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about. I don't want to give you a play by play of warped tour. That's boring, seeing as it's an all day event and I wasn't doing incredible story-worthy things all day. I'll give you a condensed high light reel.
The first band I saw was The Maine. During their last song they had some random kid come up and sing the chorus from them. He messed up in front of their entire crowd and the actual band. Pwnd. For SKSK I was in the front the entire time. It's possible that I'm going to have the worse bruise of my life on my chest by the time it surfaces. Chiodos was just all around crazy and fun. I was right by the front nearly the whole time. I was in a wall of death for my first time and had 90 crowd surfers fall on me at once. Bayside was great as always. Learned of the best one-time show of my life. FTSK was a little bit of a buzzkill. I couldn't enjoy it because people were getting thrown ten feet into the air and one of them landed on my neck. Almost the same with Senses Fail, except all the guys in there were 30x bigger than me and one push sent me across two pits. Breathe Carolina pissed me off. Hundreds of people jumping and thinking it's the best band on earth when you can hear the autotune as they sing. They don't even play instruments. No effort at all.
That was my warped tour. Probably the best one I've been to so far. I got pictures with Anthony Raneri and Craig Owens too. I liked it a lot because even when I woke up I still felt fantastic from it. Sore...but fantastic too. It's almost the exact feeling I've been looking for. The only problem is that this is going to start to fade tomorrow. Then I'll have to find something to get me through that day, then a new one the next day, and the next... Until I find something that will keep me feeling good. I reread my last blog before I did this. I reread it thinking "After I read this I'll feel dumb for typing it, because it's really not that bad and I don't feel the same anymore." I was displeased to find that this was wrong. I still feel the same. At least I know that it's not some passing phase that will just go away. I know that after I get over it, it will have been a big thing to overcome and I'll be a lot better off. Until I can get over it though, I know I'm going to feel stuck. Maybe school will make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile? I don't know. It doesn't even start for another two weeks. Which isn't a long time left with summer, but when I feel like this everyday it seems unbearable. I don't like this. Not one bit.
Have a good day.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
by
Dylan
I don't really know exactly what I'm going to write about right now. All I know is I'm incredibly unsatisfied. I don't care for what I'm doing, how I'm acting, how I look, how I feel, how I talk. I was more satisfied with myself and my life in seventh grade when I went to school, and played Halo 2 all day. I was having tons of fun playing a video game all day. Then when I went to sleep I still thought about it, what I needed to do better, about the spawns, about what weapons I needed to work on and planned what me and Austin would do the next day when we played. I want something like that now. I need something that I like putting all my energy into. I write songs and music, but after they're done I feel like they aren't good enough. This doesn't make me think "I'll just keep going until it's great!". It makes me feel like I don't have the ability to write anything good enough. It makes it so that every time I sit down to write, I tell myself first that I can't possibly create anything good enough for someone else. It makes me want to give up and settle for a conventional job. Settling. That seems like something that my thoughts have been focused around a lot recently.
I should settle and find something that I'm good enough at to make a living with. I should settle and find someone that I'm alright with. I should settle and get a job that I may hate, but still make money. I should settle and just take what I can get. It reminds me of something that one of my teachers from seventh grade used to say a lot "A little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing." I never agreed with it for most things, because I was obviously going to hold out for everything great that I wanted. Now I don't think so. Indifference gets real old, real fast. Feeling alright seems better than not. At least right now it does. I feel like I'm starting to lean closer to settling on everything too. I've been fighting it in my head, but unless there's some sort of miracle I don't think that's going to happen. I'm fighting it just so I can tell myself that I did. I didn't want to settle, I faught it, but there wasn't any other way. That's probably wrong, but that's what I'll tell myself. Actually I know it's wrong.
I made a playlist of all the epic songs on my itunes. Now I'm listening to it using my giant skullcandys, with the volume way up. This is supposedly for inspiration, so that I can write something incredible. This is all part of me feigning a fight against settling. The more I read High Fidelity, the more I feel like Rob. If I could rearrange my itunes, I would arrange it in autobiographical order. I would start with Sum 41's album Chuck, when I started listening to good music in the eighth grade. I felt like a hardass singing along with the song that swears, even when my mom could hear me. For ninth I would put Hellogoodbye's Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinasaurs! That was the earlier part of my relationship with Ciara. The summer from 9th to 10th grade would be Taking Back Sunday's Tell All Your Friends. Ciara and I went on a break and I was bitter about it. In 10th I would put The Used's In Love and Death. People get stuck with bad lives, but you and everyone else can't do anything about it. You sit and suffocate and everyone gets to watch. For the next summer I would use The Rocket Summer's Do You Feel. I wasn't sure what to do, but I felt good and I thought nothing would get worse. Right now I would have to choose Senses Fail's Life is Not a Waiting Room. Pissed, frustrated, undecided, and most of all; needing.
I could write more, but I won't. I just know that I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of waking up everyday and finding myself still being me. I would rather wake up as someone else, that has something. It's ironic that feeling so unfulfilled can fill me with so much frustration.
Have a good day.
Monday, August 3, 2009
by
Dylan
I'm blogging right now instead of sleeping. This is because I told Natalee I would and she even reminded me. I don't have anything in mind, but just a warning; it's twelve and I'm pretty tired. This could mean a depressing blog. I'll try to keep it on the up and up though haha.
Today was pretty good. I went and ate with Jordan and then we watched Pans Labyrinth at Natalee's house. It was a good movie. I liked the monster guys in it a lot. They were pretty creepy. After that we sat at the park for a while and played a game until a creeper came and started talking to us. I just want to point out how tired I am real quick. When I was typing that last sentence I put gaim instead of game. So fun. After that Natalee made cookies and we watched Family Guy. That was my day. I feel like when I do "talk about your day" blogs, I just become really boring. I don't want to talk about what comes to mind though, because I'll just end up regretting and feeling stupid about the blog in the morning. I would just enjoy it if I had a girlfriend that I could be friends with too. I sound like a homonym, but when I think about it I'm never really friends with the girls I go out with first. I'm sure that when a lot of people think of me they don't think of the relationship type. It's probably because I haven't been totally satisfied with a relationship since ninth grade. But if it was someone that I was friends with and I could have fun with, I would like that a lot. Someone that I could make fun of without them getting butt hurt. Someone different then me too. I don't mean close minded and stupid. I just mean more...fun I guess. Haha that was a good description time. When I look back and read it though, it makes me realize why I've liked some people. It seems like those kind of people don't want whatever kind of a person I am though. That's semi-depressing, but it's aight. I'm going to try to stay away from the kill-self mode and say that I'm alright waiting. I mean I would prefer not to. But If I can't do anything about it, I might as well not pull my hair out.
Someday.
Oh and the picture is me being tattooed by "Kat Vod D"
