I am now down to one week and six days until I turn eighteen. Then I can start to really work on getting out of here. I guess that I actually started getting things set up for it yesterday. I dropped my 3 and 4B classes for 2nd term. That way I can get started on homework and/or go to work earlier. It's going to be hard working, going to school, and hanging out with friends. But I'll do it. Cameron is doing it! It might take me a little longer than I expected to leave because I'm going to get everything I need (new phone service, appliances, etc) before I go. Even if it takes longer, it'll be worth it. It's the smarter thing to do. I don't even know if Josh is going to come through on this, but I'll figure out something either way.
The new Say Anything album started streaming yesterday, so I naturally downloaded it. Don't worry, I'll buy it when it comes out. But I like it a lot. You can tell that the writing of everything is really different, but it feels like a natural change from IDOTG. I don't know what else to say about it yet. This one is a little harder to get everything lyric wise, but I think that I totally understand more than half of them. Actually there are probably like two that I don't get. But that's a lot considering how much I've listened to it in the last two days. I'll probably listen to it constantly until November 17th, when John Mayer's new album Battle Studies comes out! I'm just as pumped for that one as I am for Say Anything's. I'm going at midnight with Jordan to get SA's new one, but I'll be going alone at midnight to get JM's. I wish that my friends could get into JM more. If you just listened to Continuum later in the night you'd probably like it a lot more. It might sound dumb that I'm telling you to listen to it at a certain time, but I guarantee you'll get more into it then. Hmmm...what else...
I don't know how many times I've blogged about how much I don't care, but I still don't think that some people get it. I wish that there was a better way to describe it other then, I don't care. Most of the things that I do aren't that intricate. I don't think through everything I do, I just do them. Another part of it is that I won't do anything that I don't want to, regardless of other people. I know it seems like I'm showing off "I do what I want!" haha, but really it's not good. It makes a lot of people mad at me. I can't help it though. I wrote another paragraph on this and decided to delete it. It would have just made people even more mad haha. Every time I write about this it makes me seem inhuman.
I just barely wrote this whole thing. When I say just barely, I really mean I started on it an hour ago. I've been trying for the past couple of days to write something, but I just couldn't. For some reason it all came out really fast today. I like it, but I'm obviously biased. Cameron told me to write about this whole problem a while ago and I think that it came out well.
I have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year. It reminds me of a lot of bad things, but a lot of good times too. I think the good times are worth it. Listening to certain songs while driving past the dead trees in front of a sky without a sun makes me remember a lot of good things that have come out of this time of year. So does watching old episodes of House, and going to Beans or Starbucks when the weather is just how I remember it was. I think I almost enjoy remembering old times more than trying to make new ones to remember. Old things can't really be dirtied, while I can still make new bad memories. But I bet when it snows and I hang out with a bunch of my friends, I'll make some good new ones. I think I'm going to cut this one short.
Even if you didn't like the blog please, please, please watch the video. Even though it's not the most upbeat song it reminds me of good things in the colder months.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to blog about, but I just feel like I should. It seems like a lot has happened since last time I wrote, but not really. Just one thing. The only reason it seems like that is because I feel different.
So yesterday was Say Anything and Bayside. It was one of the craziest shows of my life. I sweat there more than I have even at any warped tour. I don't know if Moving Mountains was good, but I didn't care for Moneen. Eisley was good though, just not something that you could really move around to. When Bayside started though, everything got awesome. We got there really early so I was in the very front for the whole thing. The crowd this time made it even better because everyone was moving around and yelling the words. I didn't even care that Anthony was spitting on me every other line. By the time Bayside was over I was drenched in sweat and I still had an even longer set of Say Anything left! Everyone that I was standing by was cool to talk to, so in between sets wasn't too bad. We kept getting thrown water and passing it around to each other. Say Anything was awesome though. For the first two or three songs though, I had some 250 lb drunk guys arm on my head, so that was annoying. But after have 3/4 of the way through the set I had to go to the back because I was ready to pass out from all the sweating and lack of water. I could probably retell every detail of the show, but I don't want to write a novel. It was one of the best ones I've ever been to though.
I want to write about my current state of mind now, but it seems like it's too hard. Physically I don't feel that good. I don't feel sick. Just...beat? I don't know. Not good though haha. Actually Gavin said it looks like I'm starting to lose my muscle so I'm going to start working out hardcore today. I kind of feel mentally beat too actually. I have so much homework that I should probably be doing right now, I'm having a hard time going to school now and I just feel like playing halo and sleeping all day. Hopefully I can get over this feeling because it's usually what drags me down. But other then that I don't feel bad. My birthday is 23 days away now. Almost to the teens! After my birthday I have no idea what I'm going to look forward to. I'm sure there will be something though.
I just about finished this entry and just remembered something! Today my cousin, Gabi, sent me a little letter/message thing, that actually wasn't so little. but I just wanted to share a little part of it because it made me think.
"This life is not fair, but no one ever said it would be. I heard once that in the premortal life we somewhat knew the kinds of personal challenges we would face and still the deaf, the blind, the handicapped chose to come. It makes me think that maybe we knew what kind of grief we would suffer here and Still we chose to come. That makes me believe that there is something really beautiful about life that makes it all worth while."
I don't know what everyone else's opinion is on this, but I would like to think that it's true. I'd like to think that I knew that I could handle everything that's going to happen to me and that I knew I would be fine. Because then it turns my current self from thinking that I'll be fine, to knowing that I will be. It also tells me that even thought I knew some parts were going to be hard, there must be things that'll make it all worth it. It makes me feel more okay with everything. I don't know when the hard parts are going to stop, but I know when they do everything will be good.
Well I don't normally blog early in the morning but I have a ridiculous amount of homework to do, just one assignment is a ten page essay, and I want to blog today. I have to blog today I guess. I don't know where to start on this. I don't mind talking about problems, but not this one so much. It just feels awkward to me. I usually try to make jokes about every problem, but it doesn't work so well on this one. It's not something that you're really supposed to joke about no matter how much time goes by. I think I'll just be vague and then not feel so awkward writing about it.
Well today is two years. Almost exactly two years for me, because I got pulled out of my second period when I found out. I don't know what else I'm supposed to say about it. I know I'm supposed to feel worse about it for a day, and maybe pay attention to it more. But I feel the same about it as I did a week ago and as for paying attention to it more, I'm going to be doing homework all day. No cemetery visit, no deep talk with anyone, not even a little mention to anyone. It seems like I'm trying to avoid my emotions, but I'm not. I just don't feel a lot towards anything at all. Whenever people tell me that I'm not dealing with things right or that I'm keeping things inside, I'm really not. I just don't care. I mean, I do. But not to the extent that I know I'm supposed to. Now it seems like I'm heartless or something. I do feel bad, a lot actually. I just don't let it keep me up at night or from hanging out with people or from going to school. I actually went to school the next day. There's a fine line between strength and heartlessness, and I'm not really sure if I've crossed it. Anyway, my dad is going to the cemetery. I don't think that he should be allowed to though. Him getting married to that woman belittles everything he had with my mom and the two of them going together changes it from a sacred thing into a mockery. When I look outside my room I see a giant hole in the wall, the size of my foot. When I look around my room I see a bunch of broken guitar strings from strumming way too hard, a bunch of dishes from living in my room, and a bunch of awards that all stopped coming in around sophomore year. I don't know whether or not to blame my mom, my dad, or even myself for all of them. But I do know that it doesn't matter. Either way I'm still sitting here writing about this, and no matter how many anniversaries go by it's going to be and feel the same. Maybe before the show tomorrow I'll drive to the cemetery by myself. I know this isn't very long, especially considering the subject and I'm sure I could write a few pages. But like I said before, it's awkward to talk about. So I think I'm going to end this here. I'll feel a lot better when my homework is done anyway. Just please don't think that I don't care about this or anything else that happens in my or my friends lives. I do. I just have a hard time feeling a lot. Have a good day.
I'm getting really sick of all the stupid "scene" stuff. I honestly don't know how you can really think that bands like Brokencyde, BOTDF, and BMTH are in it to make genuine music. I know someone's going to say something about it so, I'll say now that I know BMTH is a lot better than the other two. But they're in it to be rockstars. It has nothing to do with any sort of passion. Maybe the kids that listen to those bands know, and don't care, that they aren't in it to make great music. But that still bothers me, maybe even more. You shouldn't put interest and give recognition to something that isn't honest. You shouldn't be into a music scene that isn't even into the music. You wouldn't sustain a virus that's killing you, so why would you sustain a virus that's killing music and a generation? I don't care about the hair, the neon, the shutter shades, or the dinosaurs alien robots. I just want to hear about new up-and-coming bands that are making real music. Because everyone I hear that's new now is yelling about getting crunk, having sex, and dancing around. Just like the lyrics below this say, I guess it really doesn't matter. This'll fade into obscurity any day and I just have to hope the next fad isn't half as stupid. I feel like a hipster now. :/
Breathe kids the mold is getting old It'll be gone any day The hipster empire of tomorrow Will fall to the common kids of today
With tied wrists, we're under they're control With fists clenched, we're taking on the world I write words with cathartic intentions That spawn revolutions and lies
They're asking for my, my head on a plate They're asking for my, my head on a plate I'm really, really not That conceited I swear I'm not I'm just trying to bring Music back to music I define up and coming They already came up and went
I'm loosed lipped now shaking back and forth Problem fixed I'm pouring out my soul I find the right words to express myself Instead of fitting round pegs in round holes
And what a lovely day for a symphony Full with honesty and integrity So take this for what's it worth Originality's not a curse
They're asking for my, my head on a plate They're asking for my, my head on a plate I'm really, really not That conceited I swear I'm not I'm just trying to bring Music back to music I define up and coming They already came up and went
They're asking for my, my head on a plate They're asking for my, my head on a plate
I'm really, really not That conceited I swear I'm not I'm just trying to bring Music back to music I define up and coming They already came up and went
I don't want to have to push myself to go to school everyday. I don't want to have to lock myself in my room all day. I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want to have to try hard to be alright. I don't want to feel trapped in my own life. I don't want to have to try hard to concentrate on everything. I don't want to be embarrassed of where I come from.
I don't want to do any of these things, but I'm going to. I'm going to because there isn't any way around any of them for now. They're all a means to an end. I know I say things all the time about trying to keep yourself happy and being okay with things, but sometimes I wonder if it's just because I'm used to it. I'm sure that if other people had to deal with the things that I have they would deal with stuff just as well because they would be used to it, like I am. Which makes me wonder if I really am always okay. I could just think that I am because I'm used to feeling like this, so I've just become desensitized to being miserable. But I guess then if I'm not aware that I'm miserable, and I think I'm okay, I really am fine since it's all in your mind. I don't know, it turns into a slippery slope. But my point is that even after everything I say, I'm not even sure if I'm taking my own advice.
I wish that I had someone to talk to that could feel, not think, the same way I do. If they thought like me, I'd just be talking to myself. I guess that's essentially what I'm doing right now. I just want 100% sincere, no holding back advice. It's partly my fault though that no one is going to feel about it, at the same level that I do. If I don't tell anyone everything, they aren't going to get it all. But I'm willing to settle and keep some things inside.
It's almost funny that I was listening to Blame it on Bad Luck when I found out about everything.
I know this is the second blog of the day but I want to do this while it's still fresh. First off, I'm not putting everything out here for the attention. I've said earlier that I blog for me, and the reason I'm doing it is for myself. It's my life's timeline.
So today I went to a family party and I was looking forward to it because I wanted to talk to my family about stuff, little did I know it would escalate to ridiculous proportions. I went out and had a nice talk with my uncle and then when I come back in, my dad says we have to leave now and talks about how much he hates everyone. Anyway, I was a little upset and left as soon as I got home. While I'm driving my dad calls me and says "Before anyone in the family tells you, Becca and I are engaged to be married. But not until March, so don't worry."
WTF
First off all, he didn't even have the balls to tell me in person. He's only been "dating" her for a month! Then I found out that he's getting her name tattooed on his leg.
WTF v2
He is literally just like a 14 year old couple that have been together for two weeks. We're in love, carve your name into me, you're my world, we'll be together forever!!! I am having a really hard time not using profanity, but I'm not going to. I can't fathom as to why they would get married already. It honestly just blows my mind. I have shared the weight of every bad decision he's made, but I don't care now. I'm not going to let some stranger force her way into my life. I wish I could voice how pissed off and dumbfounded I am in this, but I just can't. I'm disgusted with both of them. I don't want her to think she has a relationship with me and I don't want her to think I have any intention of starting one. I don't want her, or even my dad, to think that they had anything to do with who I am or what I do. I may not be giving myself enough credit, but to me I owe who I am to my other family members and Ciara. I don't know what else to say in this, because I can't put everything around it, in it. Just in case someone knows how to use google, I need to have some things under wrap.
Well with all these problems I talked to my family a lot today. I like talking to me because they always tell me how strong, courageous, headstrong, and other great things I am. I don't know if it's true, because your family is obviously a little biased, but I like hearing them. It makes me believe that I can really come out of anything and be good. It makes me feel like a good person in general. I know I've mentioned this before too, but there are a few people that I can talk to and I feel like I need to talk to when things like this happen. One of them is Gabi and I'm sad that she's going away soon. At least it's for a mission. Earlier it was bad that I couldn't voice something, but now it's a good one. I don't know how to write how much I love her and wish that I could talk to her about everything. To me at least, she has every good quality that I can think of, and she's fun to hang out with! If anyone asked me if I would give my life for someone, that is one person that would definitely come to mind. I know she doesn't read this, so I'll have to tell her in person before she leaves, but I like writing about it.
Well after all of that, I'm going to continue with my motto. Even with everything happening, I know I'm going to be okay. I know that because I won't let myself live unhappily and I refuse to let any circumstance lower my potential. I'm not trying to be a badass, I'm trying to be an example for the martyrs. Everything has been building since I can remember and even at my breaking point I know that I'll come out of it with my head up. You can't let any problem take control of you, or else you lose control of your own life. Don't feel bad for yourself, don't let it get to you, and don't think that it'll never get better. It's kind of crazy that I've gone through all of this, I still am, and yet I'm still preaching to everyone about being happy. But I don't know...I just want to be happy. and I know that I will be. So you can too.
I just took a shower and got a bunch of thoughts in my head that I decided I wanted to blog about. I noticed I do most of my better thinking in the shower. So if you ever want to have an intellectual conversation with me just...Nahhhh.
Two nights ago I hung out with a bunch of people that were drinking and last night I texted someone that was. It's really different seeing things from the other side and I must say I enjoy this side of things much more. I'm going to have to give props to Cameron right now. Even though he didn't directly talk to me about it, every little bit he said about it pushed me a little more and now I feel like I'm a better, more responsible person. I'm not attacking the people that are still going for it though, but I do suggest to try being on the other side at least once. In the morning you look at people's tweets and texts and, at least I, feel good that you were completely in control. I think that's another reason why I like this better. I like to always be in control of how I feel and what I do. That's why I tend to be stubborn and not do anything that I don't want to. Now that I think about it, it was just self-destruction masked as fun.
When you think about self-destruction you think of bad things like cutting, drinking, drugs, anti-social stuff, etc. But I think there is constructive self-destruction. For me it's song/music writing. When I write something I pick myself completely apart, analyze every part, and it hurts. But after the entire process I change or hit some sort of epiphany. Whether it's subtle or not doesn't matter, because it's always a good one. It's self-destruction because I'm tearing myself apart on purpose, but then I come out better. Where things like drinking, drugs, etc., turn into a vicious circle. I think if people found they're own method of it, they could do well too.
I'm going to keep posting videos for a while. If I can't find a good one to fit the entry, maybe I'll use a picture.
