I didn't go to school today. I was trying to decide whether I had bad allergies or was actually sick. I'm pretty sure that it is just allergies now. I wish I could find something that worked for it. All I've done today is watched whatever I have on my computer and played guitar. Actually that's all I've done since two. Until two I just kept waking up and going back to sleep. For the past little while I've been watching The OC. I remember a while ago I hated the idea of it. It seemed like people watched it because of the glamour, or exclusivity or the things like that that the show involved. I think the thing that makes me like it though is the first few episodes and the story with. Someone with a lot of potential getting sucked into the bad environment around them, until something bad happens and they get to get out of it. There are a lot of other factors in it to that I can relate to, but that part alone reminds me of certain things. People that have given whatever they could to help me in whatever bad situations I've been in. Even when I've done bad things. Haha, I just took a whole blog entry relating my life to The OC. Oh well.
Shouldn't I feel all right? I swear that I tried to be alright, to sleep at night.
I don't know what to say for this entry because now it is technically mothers day. My second one. I hate these days because every other day I just kind of forget about everything, but then it all suffocates me at once. For the past hour or so I've been looking through like 500 pictures. I don't know why, it's like I'm trying to make myself feel bad. After looking at them I'm not really sure what I'm doing. It really feels like I can never be as happy as I was before. If that's the case I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. It's like I get to live the rest of my entire life knowing that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough to replace what I've lost and make my life better than a few years ago. Like trying has become a lost cause. I don't know what else to say without making people think that I'm suicidal or something. I just want everyone to have a good mothers day and remember that while you may hate having to do all the things you must for it, others only get to look at photographs.
If you really want to see bigger versions, you can just click them.
I like playing guitar. Especially when I play songs that I like a lot. It makes me feel pretty good when I play something all the way through perfect. I'm starting to build a pretty good repertoire. I don't really know what else to say here, because all I did today was sleep and play guitar. I still feel good though. I think in the past two weeks or so my personality has changed a little. I like it. Definitely more mature, and less mean. The only problem is I think it's also made me less..."noticeable." I don't know. I feel good at least. We'll see how it goes.
I realllllly need friends that play instruments.
Dear_______, this has always been about standing up for what you believe in.
First thing, out of everyone that I grew up with I'm the only one "still going." I grew up with about six people that I always hung out with until I was about thirteen and drifted away from them.
All of them being at least two years older than me. All of them dropped out. One of them is in prison for grand theft auto and assault. One of them is a meth addict. Another works at KFC, doesn't have a drivers license, and has a baby. One of them plays computer all day, does drugs, and never leaves his house. There's more, but I don't know enough about what all of them are up to be certain as to what they're doing. My point is that any of these people could have been me. I grew up with them, hung out with them everyday, and did everything they did for seven years. I'm not exactly sure what I did different then them, but I did something and that one something is why I'm writing this and not in prison or doing meth right now. Little changes now can lead to huge, important changes later. Keep doing what you think is right and if it is it will work out for the best in the future.
Next thing. keeping your head up is really hard sometimes. The fact of the matter though is, if you want to be able to make it through anythings that comes at you, you need to. Being pessimistic about everything will get you nothing except loneliness and a tumor. Bad things happen to everyone.
It's knowing that they're temporary that separates the happy people from the sad. I don't think that I've ever met anyone with worse luck than myself, but I'm still okay most of the time and do
what I can to make myself feel better. Wallowing in your self-pity until people say nice things and feel bad for you might make you feel better, but it's going to change how people think about you.
If you need other peoples praise to feel better they're going to know that you're weak, can't do what you need by yourself and that you need attention to feel alright. The main point of the paragraph: Know in your head that everything will be just fine.
Third part. Be okay with yourself; physically and mentally. This is definitely something that I could work on. I think the first part of this is accepting whatever flaws you may have. I'm not
going to say the ridiculous "your flaws are what make you special" line. Because flaws do not make you special. They make you imperfect and less appealing to the eye. It would be great if everything about me was perfect, but it isn't. So you need to know that what you have is good enough and be satisfied with it. Improve what you can and know that anything can be worse. The other part is liking your personality. I think most people that have bad personalities don't have a problem with it, so I'm not sure how to go over this. If you actually care about how you act and
feel bad about however you act, you're probably over analyzing every minute detail and I'm sure you're good. Point of this third paragraph: Like everything about yourself.
Next. Don't worry about everyone liking you. There is not one person that everyone likes. I know it's hard to believe, but even Harry Potter has some naysayers. Say what you think and do what you like, and you'll attract people that mesh well with you. If people end up not liking you in the process...kill them. Haha, not really. But just don't waste your time thinking about the people that don't like you. You're not going to go anywhere with them and you'll be better off with whatever people that come to you. This whole paragraph could be put into a Bayside quote. "I'll be who I want to be, so think what you want of me." Main point of the paragraph: The people that like you without your going out of the way for it are your best bet.
That's the end of my little "wise words with Dylan Carlson" segment. Maybe I'll do some more another day. Those are just the main things that I've encountered in the past week or two. Also,
I am coming up on to fifty entries. I decided that on my fiftieth entry I'm going to post a song that I will write with only stuff taken out of my blog posts. It should be fun to reread everything so that I can get all the material that I'll need.
P.S.
My computer is telling me that my last name is spelled incorrectly. wtf?
Oh and in case it doesn't tell you this is post 47...I think.
Today was pretty fun. School was really easy. I went to open gym with Carlos, Daniel and Jeff. I was sooooo close to landing side flips on normal ground. I just used my hand to land, other then that I had them down. After that Daniel and Jeff started showing Carlos and I some breaking stuff. I guess Daniel is going to teach Carlos and Jeff is going to teach me. Then at the end of the school year we're going to see who's better. At the moment I don't have tons of faith in Jeff because he shows me a twelve step move, I do it once, then he moves on and thinks I have it down haha. He's already shown me a lot though, I'll just have to be able to perfect it. I guess we'll see how that ends up. I like going to open gym with them though. They help push me so that I get things down. hmm...what else...there's a new girl that I'm not really positive I like. I think I'm just going to wait that one out for a little and see how it goes. soooo...that's cool. I don't really know what else to say. I had a good day and tomorrow will be good too. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing tomorrow, but it'll be productive.
Tried to kill myself at least a dozen times, but nothing seems to turn out right.
Someday something will work out well for me.