I'm switching my blogging activities to tumblr. It's better for small posts as well as big, and I always come upon just quotes or songs that mean a lot to me. I want to be able to post two or three of those a day sometimes, without it seeming like too much. Tumblr will help me out with that. It's not just a technical change that I'm after either. I feel like I'm going through a big change right now and I want to start over. I have a lot of good and bad things in here, but I just feel like at least the ones before the last month, aren't quite me. I mean they were obviously me, I did them. I'm not necessarily a better person, just different. Hopefully better.

I did this one.

It's weird that my dad is getting married in 21 days. That's right, on new years eve. I don't know if i mentioned that part before. But it's not like people have anything else to do then, right? I'm supposed to stay at my aunts for two days after, but I'm going to try to see if I can find something else. I don't think he realizes how ridiculous it is to try to make me stay in Sandy on new years eve. I guess I'm going to have to go to the wedding, but I don't support it. I'll just stand behind everyone silently loathing. At least it will be early-ish and not very long. They have some sort of consciousness of the fact that it's new years. I've started to get worried about being able to get out of here. No matter who promises me a job, it never seems to pull through. I always say I'm going to go apply everywhere, but then the car is gone and/or has no gas. Hopefully I can tomorrow, but I'll see I guess. It's also annoying because I haven't really been able to get anything at all for the past few months. I know I should be more concerned about other things, but it'd be nice to have new clothes, or to be able to go and eat with my friends, or to be able to just buy people Christmas presents. Oh well. I just have to apply at more places and someday I'll have money.

I'm blogging at eleven in the morning, which is kind of weird for me. I have a lot of homework to do though, and if I don't blog now I'll do it later to procrastinate. I don't even know what to write about right now. I just know I haven't blogged for a while.

I'm jumping straight in. First off, I don't want to come off ostentatious. None of this makes me laugh or is laughable at all. I don't like it when people just laugh at their problems. They're not funny and pretending to laugh at your misfortunes doesn't make them so. None of it is killing me either. It's just there, and it doesn't need to be there. If something can be left alone and let go, it should be. I don't want to go all out on this subject, I just want to make sure that I'm understood. If, or when actually, anyone is in a situation where they have the choice between taking the high and low road, I suggest the high road. It feels good to know that you did the right and mature thing. I'm going to end this now before I get too preachy and seem pretentious. I just want people, my friends in particular, to be able to do the things that are the best.

This is a happiness disclaimer. I'm not bipolar, just sometimes things work out. Sometimes even, right after bad things happen. This is going to be good.

I usually get specific with instances in my blogs, but not this one. I'm going to write a Natalee blog. Important, but vague. The Utah vs. BYU game is on right now. I'm not watching it, but I can still hear it coming from the next room. I don't really care who wins it that much. I mean I'd like for Utah to win, but if they lose it won't upset me.

This of course isn't going to be the happiest entry, I don't know how long it's been since I've had one of those. But it won't be as bad as yesterdays. Hopefully.

Ughh, it feels like it's happening again but I'll try to get through this without any craziness. It's usually these talks that trigger them. Talks with a million questions and no answers. I always get into these hoping that I'll come out happier, but I always seem to feel ten times worse after. Which is already happening. But I'll keep going just because I believe that it may turn out better, when I know it won't. Recently I've realized that there is no correlation between how I think/feel and what I do. I'm not even positive what I really think half the time. Right on the outside of everything I'll think one thing, but as I think more and go deeper it changes. It doesn't do this once either, my mind just goes back and forth until I choose what I want to do. What I do can't reflect what I think either, because everything second guessing it inside my head is still there. That might mean that most of the time I don't 100% think anything. I don't like the thought of that, but I also know that it's true. I'm not even sure that this will make sense to anyone else. As I type it though, it seems to be an alright description of my thinking process.

I hope so.

I know, I blogged like twelve hours ago. I was actually going to earlier, but I was finally motivated to do homework and decided I wouldn't until I got a good portion done. You can hardly call my last entry a real blog anyway. It wasn't exactly coherent or, even me I guess.

I was going to blog earlier today, but decided not to so that I could see how I felt at the end of the day. Bad plan. I felt a lot better earlier and the half blog I had written, was much better than, I'm sure, this one will be.

Well today was my birthday. It didn't feel like it. Thank you though, everyone that said happy birthday and contributed to it. Made it better for me. I think this is the first time I've ever felt like this on my birthday. Usually no matter how I feel, the fact that it's my birthday over rides everything. Normally it's supposed to be awesome and special and fun. I didn't feel awesome or special or have fun. I ate cake by myself and looked at the clouds outside. This is also the first year I didn't really get anything, from my family, for my birthday. My dad gave me $100, but that was 2 days ago and it's my normal monthly allowance, which I use for lunch and coffee. I hate that I'm just sitting here complaining about everything. Especially when it's not really even this that's affecting me. It's okay, I'll have more birthdays.

Before I get into this, it's not going to be nearly as bad as last time. I'm feeling better, but I'm not going to delete my last post. It shows me how I felt and that I feel better.

It's my birthday in four days, and every day I care a little less. It's not enough to help me escape anything. I slept two hours last night. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have another hole in the wall. I want to literally kill my dad and Rebecca. No one can help me with any of this. I don't think I'm going to make it through the winter.

I think that if someone who hadn't read this blog before, just looked at the first entry they wouldn't be up to read it again. So I thought I'd do another one so that it doesn't look like I just do that song analyzing every time.

So I finally got the real, physical copy of Say Anything's new self-titled album! The only thing I need now are the B-sides. I don't feel bad about downloading those, because I bought the album! I just couldn't pre-order it. Anyway, this entire entry is going to be dedicated to deciphering the songs. It's going to be impossible for me to get all of it, or even most of it. But it's what I've got so far. I'm going to be typing out all the lyrics from the little booklet, so yes they're correct.

I know that this song seems funny and just kind of a zany pop song, but it isn't really. It reminds me of Hate Everyone. The whole concept of it is dark, but just the music is poppy and fun. I may blog again today, I just feel like this deserves it's own.

Hey, I'm blogging.

I just barely wrote this whole thing. When I say just barely, I really mean I started on it an hour ago. I've been trying for the past couple of days to write something, but I just couldn't. For some reason it all came out really fast today. I like it, but I'm obviously biased. Cameron told me to write about this whole problem a while ago and I think that it came out well.

I have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year. It reminds me of a lot of bad things, but a lot of good times too. I think the good times are worth it. Listening to certain songs while driving past the dead trees in front of a sky without a sun makes me remember a lot of good things that have come out of this time of year. So does watching old episodes of House, and going to Beans or Starbucks when the weather is just how I remember it was. I think I almost enjoy remembering old times more than trying to make new ones to remember. Old things can't really be dirtied, while I can still make new bad memories. But I bet when it snows and I hang out with a bunch of my friends, I'll make some good new ones. I think I'm going to cut this one short.