Wednesday, August 5, 2009
by
Dylan
I don't really know exactly what I'm going to write about right now. All I know is I'm incredibly unsatisfied. I don't care for what I'm doing, how I'm acting, how I look, how I feel, how I talk. I was more satisfied with myself and my life in seventh grade when I went to school, and played Halo 2 all day. I was having tons of fun playing a video game all day. Then when I went to sleep I still thought about it, what I needed to do better, about the spawns, about what weapons I needed to work on and planned what me and Austin would do the next day when we played. I want something like that now. I need something that I like putting all my energy into. I write songs and music, but after they're done I feel like they aren't good enough. This doesn't make me think "I'll just keep going until it's great!". It makes me feel like I don't have the ability to write anything good enough. It makes it so that every time I sit down to write, I tell myself first that I can't possibly create anything good enough for someone else. It makes me want to give up and settle for a conventional job. Settling. That seems like something that my thoughts have been focused around a lot recently.
I should settle and find something that I'm good enough at to make a living with. I should settle and find someone that I'm alright with. I should settle and get a job that I may hate, but still make money. I should settle and just take what I can get. It reminds me of something that one of my teachers from seventh grade used to say a lot "A little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing." I never agreed with it for most things, because I was obviously going to hold out for everything great that I wanted. Now I don't think so. Indifference gets real old, real fast. Feeling alright seems better than not. At least right now it does. I feel like I'm starting to lean closer to settling on everything too. I've been fighting it in my head, but unless there's some sort of miracle I don't think that's going to happen. I'm fighting it just so I can tell myself that I did. I didn't want to settle, I faught it, but there wasn't any other way. That's probably wrong, but that's what I'll tell myself. Actually I know it's wrong.
I made a playlist of all the epic songs on my itunes. Now I'm listening to it using my giant skullcandys, with the volume way up. This is supposedly for inspiration, so that I can write something incredible. This is all part of me feigning a fight against settling. The more I read High Fidelity, the more I feel like Rob. If I could rearrange my itunes, I would arrange it in autobiographical order. I would start with Sum 41's album Chuck, when I started listening to good music in the eighth grade. I felt like a hardass singing along with the song that swears, even when my mom could hear me. For ninth I would put Hellogoodbye's Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinasaurs! That was the earlier part of my relationship with Ciara. The summer from 9th to 10th grade would be Taking Back Sunday's Tell All Your Friends. Ciara and I went on a break and I was bitter about it. In 10th I would put The Used's In Love and Death. People get stuck with bad lives, but you and everyone else can't do anything about it. You sit and suffocate and everyone gets to watch. For the next summer I would use The Rocket Summer's Do You Feel. I wasn't sure what to do, but I felt good and I thought nothing would get worse. Right now I would have to choose Senses Fail's Life is Not a Waiting Room. Pissed, frustrated, undecided, and most of all; needing.
I could write more, but I won't. I just know that I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of waking up everyday and finding myself still being me. I would rather wake up as someone else, that has something. It's ironic that feeling so unfulfilled can fill me with so much frustration.
Have a good day.
3 comments:
'bah bah! this is the sound of settling'
when something happens to me i rearrange my books. they get moved, changed, lent out, more are bought, when i do that i feel like rob.
other than that all i got is ily.
Um, Halo 3 is out now, just get way into that.
Problem solved.
Haha.
I joke because I can't really give any serious advice. All I can say is you're not the only one that sees "settling" as an eventuality, and I think no matter what we do we'll never be quite content with whatever we end up doing. We'll always have something to hate about it. I guess it just depends on your attitude and if you can find something you love in it.
Hell yeah, my html worked. I didn't remember the exact way to do it, but I got it. Haha.
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