The school year is over. The only reasons left to go are yearbook day and the farewell assembly. With that being said, I will be at school very little in the next week. This year wasn't the best school year I've ever had in my life, it definitely wasn't the worst either. It reminds me of eighth grade. Kind of a transitionary year. I did a lot of growing up, improving and learning. All of which are good things and I think every year should contain some of that. So I've decided that I'm going to make a list of things that I remember well or that I've learned. Some of them may be quotes from songs if there aren't better ways to describe them.

I'm not really sure what to write, I just want to write right now. I don't have any intense feelings at the moment. The best way I could describe myself at the moment is calm and content. Maybe not as much content, but very calm. It's really close to my last summer and I need to do awesome stuff. I want tons of "remember that time we..." moments. Those are the best. The best parts of them probably aren't even the moments themselves, but remembering them with the people you were with later. Yeahhhh. I had a pretty good night tonight just sitting outside and talking to people for like three hours. I would like lots of nights like those during the summer too. It seems like as it gets later people have less inhibitions with talking about things that they normally wouldn't. Then you can find out who people really are.

So last night I saw Anberlin and Taking Back Sunday. It was sooooo good. One of the best shows that I have ever been to definitely. Anberlin was great as always. Played Breaking and A Day Late, which are the main ones I wanted to hear. I don't know what it is, but there's something about Stephen that makes me think that he's a pretty good person. I have seen nearly every band that I like live. Taking Back Sunday though, was a first for me. I had no idea what to expect, but I couldn't have asked for a better set list than what they played last night. Every single song I could have possibly wanted to hear from them, they played. I could tell from the first lines of their opening song You Know How I Do, when everyone started screaming along "So sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick" that it was going to be good. I'm still amazed at the set list. I have never had a band play every single song from them that I wanted to hear. The parts that are probably going to stick with me for a long time are the ones from while they played Cute Without the "E".  About 3/4 of the floor opened up into an intense pit and everyone else was dancing. Near the end of the song, while everyone was singing along, they stopped playing their instruments and when Adam held the mic out to the crowd everyone sang the "why can't I feel anyone from anyone other than you?" line, perfectly. I know bands do that at just about every show, but this time was different. There was not one person that wasn't screaming the line and it sounded good too. If I'm ever in a band, I want to be able to do that. It was the best. Oh and Adam is really cool too.

This entry is going to make me seem like the most unstable, unsure, indecisive, scared, etc., person ever. Since I'm going to be an adult in six months I've started to think ahead to other landmarks of age and none of it seems as far away as it used to. Obviously they're always closer than before, but now every one of them just seem to close. I don't want to turn seventy. I don't want to die. Before when I was asked about my biggest fear I would always just say heights because dying never crossed my mind at all. It probably still shouldn't since I'm only seventeen, but I can't help it. I know that religion is supposed to help with this but...I don't know. There are so many great people that are all completely devoted to their religions. They're all so positive that they're right and that they'll have a perfect afterlife. Who am I to say that what I choose is right, and that every single one of them is wrong? Everyone is just as sure as the person next to them that they know what's going to happen to them when they die. Someone has to be wrong. It would be narcissistic of me to not even consider the fact that there are more than double the amount of people in other religions. I hate that there isn't anything that I can do about this except to try and become more content with the fact that everyone dies. This reminds me of something that someone said a few nights ago, so I'll go from there.

It's going to be hard to write this without being an a$$h0l3. Whenever I'm put in situations like this I end up feeling very self-righteous and headstrong, which takes away my ability to refrain from what I shouldn't say. In this I'm going to try to say what I want without giving either side what they want. If someone tries to argue about this without considering the right things though, I guarantee I will tear them apart. Screw ad hominem. Not in a physical manner though, I have enough restraint for that.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I think that what I really want more than anything is to just be admired. I don't mean I want to be popular and have everyone love me. That would definitely be nice, but it's not what I mean when I say admired. I mean the dictionary definition.

I was going to write a ridiculously long new entry, of course what I plan on writing never happens. It's too late for me to think well enough to write a long, emotionally involved entry. So that will have to wait for tomorrow. Today I listened to John Mayer's album Continuum for like two hours. If you've never listened to it before you definitely should. But I really payed attention to all the lyrics and this one kind of caught me off guard today. I feel the need to post it because it seems like it goes with me so well. This situation isn't going on now, but I have been greatly criticized for it. John Mayer does a very good job of depicting it.

I have no idea what I'm doing right now. I've just been doing things that I've needed to (like signing up for the ACT and going to the gym) and then kind of just hung around. I need some sort of plan of what I really want to do. A summer plan. I don't mean every single day planned out. I just mean that I should make a list of things I want to do. I'm going to add things on to this list with every entry until the summer and then I'll try to complete them. This will make my last summer seem like it has meaning I think. I don't really like the phrase "last summer." It's too definite. It's okay, I'll get used to it. I know that I am definitely ready to be done with high school and go pursue something great. That'll be fun. I Also, I said that I was going to write something using only my prior blog entries. I tried, but I didn't. I'm still going to, just not right now. I write the same way in every single entry so it is hard to find different phrases to use. I did write something today though, so I'll use that as a filler for now.

I didn't go to school today. I was trying to decide whether I had bad allergies or was actually sick. I'm pretty sure that it is just allergies now. I wish I could find something that worked for it. All I've done today is watched whatever I have on my computer and played guitar. Actually that's all I've done since two. Until two I just kept waking up and going back to sleep. For the past little while I've been watching The OC. I remember a while ago I hated the idea of it. It seemed like people watched it because of the glamour, or exclusivity or the things like that that the show involved. I think the thing that makes me like it though is the first few episodes and the story with. Someone with a lot of potential getting sucked into the bad environment around them, until something bad happens and they get to get out of it. There are a lot of other factors in it to that I can relate to, but that part alone reminds me of certain things. People that have given whatever they could to help me in whatever bad situations I've been in. Even when I've done bad things. Haha, I just took a whole blog entry relating my life to The OC. Oh well.

I don't know what to say for this entry because now it is technically mothers day. My second one. I hate these days because every other day I just kind of forget about everything, but then it all suffocates me at once. For the past hour or so I've been looking through like 500 pictures. I don't know why, it's like I'm trying to make myself feel bad. After looking at them I'm not really sure what I'm doing. It really feels like I can never be as happy as I was before. If that's the case I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. It's like I get to live the rest of my entire life knowing that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough to replace what I've lost and make my life better than a few years ago. Like trying has become a lost cause. I don't know what else to say without making people think that I'm suicidal or something. I just want everyone to have a good mothers day and remember that while you may hate having to do all the things you must for it, others only get to look at photographs.

If you really want to see bigger versions, you can just click them.

I like playing guitar. Especially when I play songs that I like a lot. It makes me feel pretty good when I play something all the way through perfect. I'm starting to build a pretty good repertoire. I don't really know what else to say here, because all I did today was sleep and play guitar. I still feel good though. I think in the past two weeks or so my personality has changed a little. I like it. Definitely more mature, and less mean. The only problem is I think it's also made me less..."noticeable." I don't know. I feel good at least. We'll see how it goes.

I realllllly need friends that play instruments.