Thursday, June 25, 2009
by
Dylan
This is another morning blog, but I promise this one will have some sort of sustenance. It's the first one that I'm going into with an idea about what I'm going to write in a while. Hopefully this somewhat structured entry will be a nice break from the last few that I've written.
So last night I had one of the worst dreams that I've had in a long time. I say dream and not nightmare because nightmare just sounds too cliche to me. I know that's what a bad dream is called, but I prefer to just say that. I'm going to be somewhat vague in the details because I'd rather not everyone know the exact details. There are a few people though that can ask me if they want, and I'll be fine with telling. It started out with me at school sitting in the commons. I'm pretty sure it was refund day because everyone was in the commons and there were little metal bar post things that separated lines of people. Anyway, I was standing around by myself, near a group of my friends when I heard one of them bragging about something. Who it was and what it was about are two of the details I'm going to leave out. After that I started screaming at him, and taking swings at him while he just kept saying sorry and that he didn't want to fight me. He turned away and tried to leave so he wouldn't have to fight me, but I was standing by one of the metal bars that separates lines. So I heaved it off the ground and swung it at the back of the back of his head and I'm pretty sure I at least knocked him out. Then I just kept repeatedly hitting him with the heavy metal bar while everyone screamed and told me to stop until I finally woke up.
It may not sound like the most horrible dream ever, but the worst part about it is that even when I think of it now I know that I would do the same thing in reality. Maybe minus the repeated hitting after the first hit in the head. I don't know though. This isn't good. The fact that I would do that at all is a bad thing, and then to a friend. It was just everything that he was saying set me off. Even right now I'm having a hard time getting it out of my head. Hopefully my activities throughout the day help me shake it off.
Have a good day.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
by
Dylan
I seem to be making a habit of this not thinking before I write a blog thing. This time isn't any different. So I guess if my last couple entries were just annoying to you, this is a warning to stop reading now. Now we move on...
I wish I had gotten one of those raspberry ice teas. I stopped at Maverick on my way home and apparently they don't carry them. There's a 7-11 pretty close to my house, but driving is annoying. The last couple days have been pretty good. I've managed to do at least one fun-ish thing each day. Except now today is the little bump in the week where I don't really have anything in specific planned. I want to play Halo. Maybe I can get a bunch of people to play, I don't know we'll see. Anyway, this last weekend I played for/with Jordan and Carlos. I say with because they kind of mumbled the lyrics underneath me. Oh, they helped me when I messed up too. For some reason I kept mixing up one word on yellow cat/red cat over and over again. That wasn't cool. I got it eventually. Hopefully I'll start playing for more of my friends this summer. I don't mean sitting there and just messing around while everyone talks either. Ohhh, and about my plans for my California trip. I found out that AJ Rafael is playing in an acoustic showcase thing on the 25th. Gabe Bondoc is playing it too. If you want to come, tell me. I'm only going to be there from the 11th to the 18th, but I decided that I'm going to go back for two days to go watch the show. That should be really cool. Also, The Audition is tomorrow. I'm excited for that since I've only seen them once before. Now I'm going to start the deeper part of my blog. Actually, I don't know if I'm that deep. More like a puddle really.
I'm not sure if what I've been doing for the past couple days is good or bad for me. I know that if I asked anyone they would say good. Actually, I have no idea on how to communicate any of this without saying it and I definitely don't want to say it. I made a small playlist like twenty minutes ago and I didn't really notice it at first, but it really showcases my thoughts. You may not even be able to tell without actually knowing what I'm thinking about, but whatever. It's better than nothing. Maybe.
About a Girl - The Academy is...
Straightjacket Feeling - All-American Rejects
Lost and Found - Senses Fail
Something's Missing - John Mayer
About Falling - Say Anything
My Temperature's Rising - The Audition
Tremors - Two Tongues
Falling Slowly - Once soundtrack
Marching Bands of Manhattan - Death Cab
Everything Must Go - Taking Back Sunday
Hell to Sell - The Audition
Note to Self - From First to Last
You Can Do Better Than Me - Death Cab
I Just Laugh - Never Shout Never
Plea - Say Anything
That's it. Maybe I'll get into everything more another time. But right now it's barely going onto 11 A.M. and I don't feel quite as inclined to share things about myself in the morning as I do at night. I really shouldn't make a habit of being vague though.
Have a good day.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
by
Dylan
I wrote something really long before this, but this is even better.
I listened to music for an hour until my itunes finally played this. Listening to Bright Eyes always makes me really sad, but then he makes me think.
Well the animals laugh from the dark of the wilderness
A baby cries hard in an apartment complex
As I pass in a car buried under the influence
The city's driving me out of my mind I've seen a child, he's caught in the sad trap of gravity
He falls from the lowest branch of the apple tree
And lands in the grass, and weeps for his dignity
Next time he will not aim so high
Yeah, next time, neither will I
Now a mother takes loans out, sends her kids off to colleges
Her family's reduced to names on a shopping list While a coroner kneels beneath a great wooden crucifix
He knows there's worse things than being alone
And so I've learned to retreat at the first sign of danger I mean, why wait around, if it's just to surrender?
And ambition, I've found, can lead only to failure I do not read the reviews
No, I am not singing for you
Well, I stood dropping a coin into the pit of a well
And I would throw my whole billfold if I thought it would help
With all these wishes I make, I should buy something real
At least a telephone to call home
Well, my teachers, they built this retaining wall of memory
All those multiple choices I answered so quickly
And got my grades back, and forgot just as easily
But at least I got an A
And so I don't have them to blame
Well I should stop pointing fingers, reserve my judgement
Of all those public action figures, the cowboy presidents
So loud behind the bullhorn, so proud they can't admit
When they've made a mistake
Well, poison ink spews from a speechwriter's pen
He knows he don't have to say it so it, it don't bother him
Honesty, accuracy, just popular opinion
And the approval rating's high
And so someone's gonna die
Well, ABC, NBC, CBS bullshit
They give us fact or fiction, I guess an even split
And each new act of war is tonight's entertainment
We're still the pawns in their game
As they take eye for an eye, until no one can see
We must stumble blindly forward, repeating history
Well I guess we all fit into your slogan in that fast food marquee Red-blooded, white skinned, oh and the blues
Oh, and the blues, I got the blues, that's me! (That's me!) That's me!
Well I awoke in relief, my sheets and tubes were all tangled
Weak from whiskey and pills in a Chicago hospital
And my father was there, in a chair by the window
Staring so far away I tried talking, just whispered, "So sorry, so selfish"
He stopped me and said, "Child, I love you regardless There's nothing you could do that would ever change this I'm not angry, it happens But you just can't do it again"
So now I try to keep up, I've been exchanging my currency
While a million objects pass through my periphery
Now I'm rubbing my eyes, cause they're starting to bother me
I've been staring too long at the screen
But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility?
It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody
How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery
To love and to be loved Let's just hope that it enough
I don't know if you get it, but this is the only way I can really describe how I feel right now.
When everything is wrong, there isn't any room left over to pretend that something may turn right. Everything pales and life only lets you breathe in happiness through a tiny coffee straw. Those last sentences I wrote just may be the sound hope makes when it dies.
Goodnight.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
by
Dylan
I'm going into writing this blog with no idea at all of what I'm going to write about. So prepare yourself now by getting a lemonade or something. Maybe cookies. Chocolate chip cookies sound pretty good right now. But I want the chewy ones. Not the rock hard ones. See, this is already stupid.
I'm glad that I'm finally getting to the fun planned parts of summer. Exactly a week from today I get to see The Audition. I've only seen them once before and it was only for a half hour since it was at warped. They'll be able to play stuff from their new self-titled this time too. Then on the 7th of July is Never Shout Never (he dropped the ! just like PATD). The only bad part is I just found out that he is only supporting for Boys Like Girls. I know their songs, but not a big fan. The fact that I do know their songs means that I even gave them a chance. If it's too expensive I don't know if it will be worth going. I don't want to pay $20 to stand around with a bunch of 15 year old girls who are there to look at "cute singers". Actually that makes me really mad when people go to shows just because they thing the people performing are attractive.
Back to the summer thing. On the eleventh I get to leave to California and Jordan is coming with me. Magic Mountain, Universal Studios, deep sea fishing, the beach, and I really really really hope AJ Rafael. That would definitely be the coolest part. He plays like a show a week in San Diego so I think I have a pretty good chance of that happening.
I said earlier that I don't have anything in mind, and something just came into my mind. It seems like everyone that I follow on here has some big, deep, dark, epic, excruciating secret that constantly affects them. I don't think I have anything like that. Yeah, things bother me when I try to sleep. But I don't think that I have some super secret of pain that destroys me everyday. I'm not saying that I want one. I don't think that sounds like a good time. I'm just saying that it's weird everyone seems to have these intense things and even with all the stuff that I've gone through I don't. That still sounds like I want some deep secret pain. I don't!! Haha. Maybe I just make my problems more public. Maybe everyone else just makes whatever it is seem like a lot more than what it really is. Maybe I deal with things like this better than other people. Maybe even all the stuff that has happened to me pales in comparison to what everyone else is going through. I don't know. I never know anything it seems like.
I've dragged out this unplanned blog way too long. It's time to play guitar and go get coffee. Maybe I'll do a well planned one tomorrow.
Have a good day.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
by
Dylan
It's impossible to help people and talk about your problems in the same blog, unless you're using your problems as examples. I want to do that in this blog, but I can't really use my problems as examples because I can't get through them at the moment. So I'm just going to do what I said I couldn't in the first sentence.
I guess I'll start off with some problems. What is blogging for if not complaining about your life that really isn't that bad? Nothing, that's what. I want to be able to play for people, but I can't. Not even my friends really. When I play guitar in front of people it's different then when I'm just by myself. I mess up literally three times more than when I'm by myself. Then I seem stupid because I talk about how I get these songs down, but when I play in front of them I mess up five times before I play it alright. Also, for some reason I can't really use my voice in front of people. I'm not really sure why either. I honestly don't care if I sound bad, because it's not like I take voice lessons or anything. Just for some reason all I can do it front of people is just kind of say the words with out feeling or any sort of inflection. The only thing I can think of to get over these is to play in front of people more. But I'm pretty sure that people don't want to just sit there and watch me play until I don't mess up. Especially everyday. That doesn't sound too fun for them. I don't know, I'll get over it.
I think the rest of the problems part is going to be me complaining about things I've mentioned before, so skip the rest if you want to save time.
I don't know if I'm really that "cool" of a person. I don't mean cool as in popular, I mean just a cool person to hang out with. My humor isn't exactly the most sensitive in the world. I can completely demean entire countries within twenty minutes and laugh about it for the next ten. I tend to argue with and/or insult people when I think they say something stupid. I'm not good at all at holding up conversations. There are other things, but I don't want to reveal myself as such a jerk that you stop reading my blog. See I'll even leave out details just so you keep fueling my ego! I mean there are good things too. About 1/3 of my jokes don't cross any lines and are somewhat funny. I think that I can give at least alright advice. As long as you don't say anything stupid I'll be nice to you. I'll even give you a dollar if you need it haha. I still think the bad out weighs the good (ohhh Bayside).
Next, I'm pretty sure that I am nothing like what girls wants. I'm just really bland and normal. I don't have anything awesome that's happened to me that I can tell people about. I don't have any really cool talents that I can show off. There isn't really anything different about my looks. Brown hair, brown eyes, normal face. All average. Even my personality is somewhat average, other then me sometimes offending the people I'm with. Hanging out with me for an hour could just just as interesting as watching a WNBA game.
I was going to do something like what my last blog was going to be about, but I'll end the problems here. I don't need a pity party.
After typing my problems I can't remember what I was going to put. I think it was going to be awesome and positive. This is exactly why you can't do what I was going to attempt. Now that I've been listening to Taking Back Sunday and thought about a bunch of my problems I can't think too positively. This is exactly why you shouldn't worry too much about your problems. See, there's some advice.
Have a good day.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
by
Dylan
I feel kind of different right now. Not happy or sad or anything like that. I'm not really sure what. But I just got back from the party thing that I had to do a few short dances for. I think I talked about it earlier, I'm not sure though. It was really fun all up until after we did the dances. It wasn't dumb or anything after that, it was just different. After that I kind of felt like I was supposed to leave. Not because anyone was mean or anything of that sort. Just because it seemed like it should have just been their close friends and family their enjoying the time with them. I don't know. I still had a good time, just a little different more towards the end. But now it's over and so is everything else that came with it. Honestly, I'll probably never see the two Kelsey's again. The others though, I'm sure I will. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I don't mean because the party thing is over. Haha, I'm skipping around. I mean with myself. I have no idea what I am and what I want in myself. I'm not sure how I act around people and if I like it. I don't know if other people see me as someone that's at least alright. I can't even really pinpoint any certain personality traits of mine. It seems like I'm so different in different situations that I'm never the same person, depending on what's happening. This makes it very hard for me to know what kind of a person I am. I know this seems like some sort of intense soul searching thing, but really I just want to be someone who people really know. Someone that people could describe well using five or six adjectives. I don't mean boring and obvious, just...consistent and likeable. I guess I feel like I'm looking at everything from outside my perspective right now. I want to be a big part of someone and their happiness. Like the girl's close friends and family members that were at their party having fun with them and making them feel happy. I feel like I need to change to be that for someone. I don't think I'm the right person to be able to be that. I guess until I change I'm on my own. Oh well, that's alright for now.
Have a good day.
