I miss you. I'm not even positive that I remember you, but I wish I did. I don't know if you would be proud of me and everything I've done, but I like to think that you still would be. You were the only person that was ever proud of me for anything and I miss that. I miss having someone telling me good job when I do something that's really good. I wrestle and no one says anything sincere. Either "good job" or "you'll get 'em next time". When I've gotten good grades all I heard was "keep it up". So things like that lost their importance for a while. Since you've left I've had to learn to be proud of myself or else no one will. It's hard, but I'm doing it just so that you could be proud of me. I wish that I still felt entirely like a kid. I guess with you gone that left too. I don't have anyone that I feel like I have to answer to now. Who's going to stop me from skipping school? No one. Who's going to stop me from being out until 5 AM? No one. Who's going to tell me to be responsible and make right choices? Again, no one. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if you were still here. Would I have the same friends, would I be happier, would I be a better person? I don't know. It's too much of an all affecting thing to know. I know I would be a different person at least. Probably better. Less bitter, and judging. More happy and accepting. But You're gone and I'm changed. You were one of the only people interested in what I thought about things too. I remember talking to you about subjects and even though I was only fifteen, you took my opinion seriously and gave me yours. You can't do that with people my age. You're either with them, or wrong. I'm the same too though. I don't want to end this angry, but I can't help it. Other people get to be respecting and solemn when they think about their lost loved ones. I get to feel mad and unimportant. I don't know if I'm supposed to feel this way, because I don't have anyone to ask. But I do. I'm mad that you left and that you just expected me to pick up the pieces. Even when I didn't matter enough to just stay. I know the other people you left behind expect me to help them out too, but I won't. They're digging their own graves a little deeper everyday and I'm fine watching them do it while I watch out for myself. You cared about them and now I hope you laugh while you see them break and grow into nothing. It's not my fault that I refuse to carry others. It's your fault that you were a coward and watching your loved ones ruin their lives is the punishment you get.

I don't know how else to end this other then I still miss you and love you. I know it's a weird ending from what I just put, but I can't end it all angry.

END

I know that you're thinking "WTF, I thought you were happy?". Haha, I still am. I just got the idea of doing this from that link that Truc had on her blog. I also want to use this as an example. It doesn't matter what's happened in your life, what you've done, or how you think. You can turn it around. Maybe not tomorrow or the day after. Maybe it'll take a month or two. But you can and as long as you're willing to try, you will. Nothing, and I seriously mean nothing, is worth putting your life on hold. I am the poster child for going through ridiculous amounts of shit. But I'm being completely honest when I say that I still feel good. If you read this whole thing and didn't understand anything, I still want you to come away with one thing. No matter how bad you feel now, just know that you'll feel better again. As long as you're willing to.